My new therapy.

I keep thinking I need to write my thoughts for a few different reasons:

1. For posterity, being the family historian, etc. Pretty straightforward.

2. To give my brain some constructive work to do. The farther and farther away I get from my graduation in 2008, the more it feels like I've got brain soup up there instead of a functioning organ.

3. Therapy. At least I hope it works for that, for me. I get overwhelmed by life on a regular basis, so maybe getting everything out of my head will be helpful on that front.

I'm feeling kind of weird right now.  Trent is on call this weekend, so I just got back from doing church by myself with the boys. I feel like it went fine. I debated between sitting in our usual front/side pew or sitting farther back since I'd be there with no helper. I decided maybe William would behave better if we sat in the usual spot so he would know we had the same expectations.  The only bad part was I felt like I had to get up and chase Jonas down more than a few times and take him out once, so I'm hoping I didn't make too much of a spectacle of myself.  Maybe people wondered why I sat way up there if I was alone with my two small children. Whatever. It was worth a shot. And let's be honest. I'll probably do the same thing next time.

I teach the 12-13-year-old Sunday School class in my ward, and I haven't been feeling super successful at my job.  I know it's a hard age--to be, and to teach.  I almost laughed when I got the calling, because I had avoided that age group like the plague during my El Ed training, so it was almost like a joke--apparently I couldn't out run it if that's what Heavenly Father wants me to do. The class is good sized, usually in the 8-10 kids range. They are good kids, I think, but I usually feel like I'm not really connecting with them very well. There are a couple (of course) that are constantly talking out, often with some jab about one of the other class members.  It was unfortunate today, after staying up till midnight making cookies to butter them up into being a good little class for me, (and to hopefully let them know that I like them and care about them) that I had to stop the lesson very early on and just give it to them straight. "Look, guys, you are old enough to know what is appropriate to say in a lesson and what is not, and I'm tired of the dumb comments every week, so use that filter in your head and don't say stuff you know you shouldn't!"...or something to that effect. Well that kind of killed the mood, but I think I mostly got my point across. I did have to go further later on and remind them that I am in fact NOT stupid, when someone was trying to tell me they weren't doing anything with their phone, when they obviously were. I know, just typing this I can see why I'm not a class favorite.  And while I'm at it with my pity party I will admit that it does hurt my feelings when they act all disappointed when I walk through the door. 

What's funny, is after church the bishop stopped me in the hall and told me that he was about to go talk to someone who they are calling to be a team teacher for me.  And you would think after hearing my teaching woes that I would have felt really happy about that. But I guess I think to much about myself (which is ironic since I taught a lesson about selflessness today), so my first thought goes to me obviously not being good enough to do it on my own, and then to thinking, "Oh great, if they have another teacher, then the really will be disappointed when I teach them." So stupid, right? I have such a hard time blocking those negative thought sometimes (okay, more than sometimes).  I do feel like I need to point out that there are some really great kids in my class, and I often think "I hope my boys will be like ______ when they are that age." It's not all terrible and gloomy, I just worry about it, since I feel it is a big responsibility to help those kids see what is important in life, and I want to do a good job. I guess I probably am doing a good(ish) job, but right now I want to FEEL like I'm doing a good job.  Hopefully I wasn't given this calling so that the kids can learn how to be kind to a teacher who is failing miserably. ;)

Going back to me feeling weird...I think part of the reason is that while everything didn't go perfectly, it really was fine. But it feels like just a drop in the bucket to what I will have to do alone while Trent is working for the next 5 years and beyond. So I guess the weirdness is just mixed feelings.... Yay me, we were on time and looking good for church, but good grief do I feel mentally and physically exhausted afterward, so how am I going to keep doing this?? Well, mostly I think this weekend was good practice for harder ones to come. Trent was on call all weekend,  but since he is a lowly medical student (with a preceptor who is apparently not very busy when he is on call) he got to come home every evening. That was very nice, because that will not be the case in residency; so I think it was a good way to ease us in to the craziness.

I want to start writing more, and I don't mean it to all sound depressing. I'm sorry if this does.  I don't really mean it to be; I'm just trying to get my thoughts out in such a way that they feel honest.  You know, for therapy's sake. I'm hoping the more I write them down, the less stressed I will feel, resulting in happier sounding thoughts. :) Don't worry, I know that I am beyond blessed with an amazingly wonderful life, and I do love it so much. That's another reason I want to write it all down, to remind myself how wonderful it really is.

I feel like I get tunnel vision so often and all I can see or focus on is what is stressing me or what is bad, when really there is so much good.  I am grateful to teach my Sunday School class. The lessons are great, and they help me to be better. Take today's lesson on selflessness, not my earlier blunder, but a different example. During Relief Society I got a text from my neighbor, asking if I could pick her up from work tonight. I started typing this long message about how I could do it if Trent gets home, but I'm not sure what time he will be home, so if he's not back I won't be able to because my kids will be sleeping.  I stopped and erased it, remembering a point in my lesson the previous hour where I specifically talked about getting wrapped up in my schedule and my kids' schedule and how I need to be more flexible and just help people when they need it, instead of worrying so much about me and my schedule. So I just told her I would.  So I may be waking my kids up around 9 to pick her up if Trent isn't home by then, but at least it will mean that I learned something from my own lesson. And it won't be the end of the world even if they are a little tired tomorrow.

Anyway, I think I'm all typed out for now.